Dr. Lori: Welcome to our state! Your concerns about our weather are not unusual and are shared by a lot of native
Oklahomans as well as newly relocated citizens. Remember, fear is contagious. It spreads rapidly from spouse to spouse, parents to children, and among the population in general. For example, look at the fears about our economy these days. If you are frightened as parents, your will communicate your fears to your children no matter how well you think you have masked them. As parents, we set the example for children. It’s important that we
remain calm before, during and after severe weather thereby communicating that no matter what happens, we can handle it.

Dr. Stewart: You would do well to become informed about Oklahoma’s weather. Knowledge is power, and the more you know about a fearsome object, the less intimidated you will be. Accompany your twins to the library and check out age appropriate books on clouds, storms and weather in general. However, don’t be tempted to check out or buy videos of tornadoes. Those scenes can be terrifying to young children. Also, you can educate yourself about Oklahoma’s early warning systems that make tracking potentially threatening weather a true science.

Dr. Lori: We recommend a field trip with your children to the National Weather Service facility on the University of Oklahoma campus to see how people are working to keep us safe during times of turbulent weather. You can get information on tours (which require an advance reservation) at srh.weather.gov/oun. Their website also contains information on weather safety.

Dr. Stewart: In your previous home you probably participated in disaster drills of some sort. Fire drills are common, earthquake drills are required in areas highly prone to earthquakes, and in this part of the country, we have tornado drills. On a calm leisurely day when the weather is nice, sit down with your children and lay out a plan for bad weather. Find the safest place within your home and designate that place as the official “Family Safe Place.” Practice going to the safe place and also discuss where to meet in the unlikely event the family gets separated during a storm.

Dr. Lori: Stock your safe place with a few toys and stuffed animals, books, snacks, bottled water, a first aid kit,
flashlights with spare batteries, a change of clothing for each family member, hard-soled shoes in case you must walk in debris, bicycle helmets and/or other protective head gear for each person, battery operated TV and/or radio with spare batteries, and a special place for the family pets. Make stocking the safe place a family activity and remain calm and encouraging while doing so.

Dr Stewart: We also recommend limiting your children’s exposure to televised images of disaster scenes. Even though a tornado may have done damage hundreds of miles away, a three-year-old’s concept of distance and mileage places the danger very close to her. One tornado shown over and over—even if it’s just from different perspectives—constitutes another tornado in your child’s mind. Be reassuring, calm and nurturing when answering your children’s questions at their level of understanding.

Dr. Lori: If you ask Oklahomans who have lived here all their life, most will tell you they have only seen a tornado on TV or from a distance. An actual encounter with a twister is rare and hopefully that will be the case for you also. Thank you for writing.

Lori Beasley, EdD is Asst. Vice President of Academic Affairs and Professor of Family Life Education at the University of Central Oklahoma. Stewart R. Beasley, PhD is a licensed psychologist who practices in Edmond and Oklahoma City and is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at the University of Oklahoma
College of Medicine.

Do you have a question about early childhood issues for the Beasleys? E-mail it to SRB@DRStewartBeasley.com.

Editor’s Note: Go here to view a video featuring KFOR’s Mike Morgan discussing severe weather safety tips with kids.

The child’s anxious response is one of distress—crying, clinging and calling out. In most cases, the child can be distracted or comforted and is ready to start over from a small separation. But what about the parents? Separation can be difficult for them, too. Screaming, pleading, and a miserable meltdown are the last images the parent has of their precious child until they return. This also makes separation an issue for parents. Research has confirmed that the separation anxiety of the parents can influence the anxiety of the child. Specific strategies like prolonged goodbyes or rushing back to soothe the child, only serve to ramp up the volume on their protest. Parents sometimes worry that leaving isn’t worth it; think again.

The reality is, the maturing process is full of separations: day care, Mother’s Day Out programs, preschool, Kindergarten, middle school, high school. Consider that kids separate to go to bed, camp, and sleepovers. At some
point, friends will move, teenage couples break up, beloved relatives and pets die—all separations in various forms.
Parents with a vision can effectively teach their child to handle the stress of goodbye as an important life tool. The goal for children is to individuate—in other words, become their own person.

Children benefit from positive trusting relationships with non-family members. This requires practice, practice and more practice to build skills and confidence. Parents are wise to seek out safe, appropriate opportunities for children to strut their stuff away from them. A small percentage of all children have separation anxiety disorder, which disrupts the process of individuation and affects the whole family. Fortunately, this problem responds well to early intervention.

If a child is long past the age of developmentally-appropriate anxiety, it may be hard for parents to choose practice opportunities. In these cases, consultation with a mental health professional would be helpful. For most children, however, parents can effectively sequence activities that promote successful separation.

Parent response is important, whether preparing for the first day of kindergarten, camp or college. A positive attitude is key as well as recruiting the child’s participation in getting ready for the journey. Examples would be to drive by and play on the school playground during summer,
check out a website to look at the cool stuff they can try at camp, help arrange an overnight visit for college. The
language of letting go is to acknowledge the child’s fears while setting an optimistic tone.

Keep your own anxiety at bay; you can tell your best friend about how it will break your heart to let them go, but not your child. Take comfort in knowing that every time you prepare your child for a necessary separation whether as a baby or as they head to their first overnight camp, you are building a foundation that will help them for life.

Dr. Lisa Marotta is a health service psychologist with the Counseling and Consulting Offices at Stonebridge in Edmond (ccoffi ces.com). Dr. Marotta and her husband are familiar with the process of letting go: they launched their first born to college and prepared their ninth grader for an orchestra trip away from home this year.

Dr. Lori: Isn’t that great? Two of our children are twelve years apart and we can empathize with
your dilemma.

Dr. Stewart: Except that our oldest was a boy and his sister was twelve years and one day younger.

Dr. Lori: We hope you have the same enjoyment we did. Even though there was a wide age difference, developmentally, when our daughter was in the “terrible twos," her brother was in the “terrible fourteens”! Both were full of life, full of energy, and full of themselves. But they adored each other—most of the time. Your three year old is probably taken by her sister and wants to do whatever big sister does. Fortunately, your younger daughter has a brief attention span and a little attention from her older sister will go a long way. If her sister will push her on a swing set or play dolls with her for a short time, that generally will satisfy the three year old.

Dr. Stewart: A trip to the zoo can be enjoyable for both and what a great way to get is some summertime family time. Walking or skating in the park or on a trail around one of our lakes is great fun combining exercise and play. Your three year old may not skate yet but even a walk with her will be enjoyable. A picnic lunch can add to the fun—both in preparing it for the outing as well as enjoying it at the park.

Dr. Lori: Maybe big sister can help little sister play “dress up.” Three year olds love to dress up in mom (or sister’s) clothes, jewelry, and high heels. (Makeup sessions may be an option but will probably require more supervision on your part.) Bike rides for the family are fun and what three year old doesn’t enjoy a ride in mom or dad’s bike seat?

Turn on the radio and have a dance contest between the girls. Dancing is also great exercise and you may want to participate, too! Cooking is a great activity to do together and is productive, too! Make dinner together once a week
or make a special family recipe. This activity teaches your teenager basic selfhelp/survival skills and your younger
daughter will also learn many basic sensory and language skills as she helps measure, stir, or assist in setting the
table.

Dr. Stewart: Don’t forget my favorite summertime activity—swimming. Both girls will probably like the water for
different reasons. Your three-year-old will like to splash and romp in the water while her sister is more likely to enjoy poolside. But if older sister can swim, she may enjoy trying to teach her little sister how to swim. Families differ, but yours may enjoy going to the lake and participating in the many activities offered there.

Dr. Lori: This can be a wonderful time for you and your daughters. Lots of bonding opportunities exist and we have just covered a few. It’s important to remember that each of your daughters will need time with you by herself and each will undoubtedly have many suggestions of what they want to do with their “mom time.” Your older daughter can be a mentor to her younger sister and will likely enjoy the role. She may need a gentle reminder now and then that she is the sister, not the mother.

Dr. Stewart: We hope you have a great Summer 2009 and enjoy your wonderful girls.

Lori Beasley, EdD is Asst. Vice President of Academic Affairs and Professor of Family Life Education at the University of Central Oklahoma. Stewart R. Beasley, PhD is a licensed psychologist who practices in Edmond and Oklahoma City and is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at the University of Oklahoma
College of Medicine.

Do you have a question about early childhood issues for the Beasleys? E-mail it to SRB@DRStewartBeasley.com.

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Dr. Stewart: There are plenty of research studies showing the effectsof stress on our bodies. Stress has been linked to depression, weight gain, chronic fatigue, and a myriad of other health-related problems. Just being pregnant for nine months and delivering a baby is enough to stress out a woman. And it is not unusual for you to feel overwhelmed and ineffective. You are not alone. But it is important that you find ways of coping with the stressors in your life.

Dr. Lori: Stress also has a “trickle down” effect in families. Babies aren’tborn with stress management skills and growing up around a parent who is frazzled tends to result in frazzled kids. We don’t want our children stressed, but unless we as parents teach our children how to cope with stress, our children will be unprepared to tame the stresses of life.

Dr. Stewart: One of the first things I would encourage you to do is to sit downin a quiet place where you can afford the luxury of thinking without being disturbed. This may be where your husband’s offer comes into play. Ask him to stay with your daughter while you take some time for yourself. Then sit down and ask yourself these questions: (1) Am I realistic in my expectations of myself or do I have expectations of being Super-Mom? (2) Do I adequately take care of my physical, mental, and spiritual needs or do I rely upon catching opportunities here and there whenever I can? (3) Why is it difficult for me to ask for help—especially when it is freely offered? and (4) What healthy (and unhealthy) coping skills am I modeling for my child?

Dr. Lori: As Stewart suggests, we women sometimes need totake “turtle time,” a time when we figuratively pull into our shell, shut out the outside world and recharge our emotional batteries. It takes a lot of energy to do what we do day after day, week after week, and our emotional reserves get depleted. Taking time for yourself to exercise, rest, visit friends, or sit back with your feet up for a few minutes each day may seem selfish, but in the grand scheme of things, doing these things results in a recharged mom with more energy and vitality to give away.

Dr. Stewart: Speaking from a man’s point of view, I think many wivesthink we husbands might expect more from them than we actually do. Men tend to compartmentalize life into manageable units and approach tasks differently than women. But a truly loving and supportive husband realizes when children are in the family that more cooperative efforts have to be implemented to get things done. Sometimes we are slow to recognize that by being more giving, the result often is receiving more. By helping with the household duties or child care, our spouse has more energy and more zest for life, which they can then share with us.

Dr. Lori: It’s important that you realize that help is available to you and that itis not a sign of weakness or inability to utilize the resources that are available to you. Your husband has offered to help. Make a list of things he can do to help and sit down with him and go over it. Raising a child is a team effort and you are not approaching it that way. In a way, that robs your husband of being an integral part of the team and developing a good feeling about being actively involved in his marriage and in his child’s upbringing.

Dr. Stewart: And I would just reiterate the need for balance in your life. Theremust be time for you; there must be time for you and your husband; there must be time for you and your child; and, there must be time for you and your family. It’s all a balancing act, but you can do it. Just think of yourself as an important and critical part of your family that needs self-awareness of your own needs so that you will be aware of the needs of other members of your family.

Dr. Lori: Even the President of the United States finds time to exercisedaily and play on the weekends! If he can do that with all he has on his plate, you can also. He does it so that he can maintain adequate stamina to meet the demands of his job; you do it so you can maintain adequate stamina to meet the demands of your roles of Mom, wife, and person! You—and your family—deserve that. Good luck.

Lori Beasley, EdD is Asst. Vice President of Academic Affairs and Professor of FamilyLife Education at the University of Central Oklahoma. Stewart R. Beasley, PhD is a licensed psychologist who practices in Edmond and Oklahoma City and is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at the University of Oklahoma College of Medicine.

Do you have a question about early childhood issues for the Beasleys? E-mail it to SRB@DRStewartBeasley.com.

Dr. Stewart: Negative effects—what negative effects? I think the chances are greater that your children will benefit from seeing their parents being responsible and living reasonably. More parents should take their financial responsibilities as seriously as you two.

Dr. Lori: I agree. You are looking at short-term pain but long-term gain. Our entire country is going through a
financial identity crisis that has been coming for a long time. As long as your children have food, medicine, shelter,
love, and trust, they will be fine—if you are. Children look to their parents to gauge their level of safety and security. As long as the two of you maintain your strong relationship and commitment to your financial goals, your family will
remain strong and resilient.

Dr. Stewart: Resiliency is a relevant term here. Imagine your family as a rubber band stretched to its limits, which is how you have been living for the past several months. But, when relaxed, a rubber band will take its original shape. Your family is in the process of relaxing and regaining its original shape. Wealth is no longer just a financial term; it’s taking on new emotional and spiritual meaning. Security isn’t just an abstract concept; it’s a family concept. Families like yours who spend time together, talk together, play together, and pray together are more resilient and better prepared to overcome the small speed bumps of life.

Dr. Lori: We also need to address your embarrassment. It’s always a little embarrassing to operate outside the norms of society—and you certainly are. But you have more reason to be proud rather than embarrassed. Don’t waste time looking over your shoulder at the past; instead, focus on your future. You may need to downsize your lifestyle to meet your financial goals, but you and your children can grow strong together. Fewer fast food meals mean more opportunities for picnics in the living room or wiener roasts in front of the fireplace. Fewer car trips mean more frequent walks in your neighborhood or at the local school track. Get creative, get enthusiastic, and stay committed.

Dr. Stewart: Be aware of your stress levels as you modify your lifestyle. Change is almost always stressful, and when couples become stressed, they often take their stress out on each other. Even the strongest marriage can be tested by financial stresses. Several times each week, sit down to discuss how you both feel. Lori and I call this touching base, and it should be a part of the maintenance of your marriage. Even if you don’t have anything in particular to talk about, spend the time together anyway. You will eventually feel more relaxed knowing you have this time to connect.

Dr. Lori: A lean Christmas was probably harder on you than on your children. They probably didn’t feel deprived at all, particularly the younger ones. We hope you spent some family time preparing homemade gifts for others. Homemade gifts show children the pride of accomplishment as well as the joy of giving. Continue the tradition for friends’ and relatives’ birthdays, anniversary, etc.

Dr. Stewart: We think you and your family are off to a great start for 2009 and commend you for your insight and self-discipline. Those are both strong legacies to leave to your children. Your children and their children will be the real winners.

Lori Beasley, EdD is Asst. Vice President of Academic Affairs and Professor of Family Life Education at the University of Central Oklahoma. Stewart R. Beasley, PhD is a licensed psychologist who practices in Edmond and Oklahoma City and is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at the University of Oklahoma
College of Medicine.

Do you have a question about early childhood issues for the Beasleys? E-mail it to SRB@DRStewartBeasley.com.

Dr. Stewart: Ah! The Tiger Woods theory of child development. Lori and I have heard that one a few times. For
every one Tiger Woods type athlete, there are thousands of frustrated children and parents who butt heads on a regular basis, arguing over practice and free time. There is no doubt that Tiger’s time hitting golf balls under his dad’s watchful eye produced a world-class athlete. But I’m afraid that if children could vote, they would cast their vote to never be compared to Tiger Woods again!

Dr. Lori: Stewart and I have noticed a growing trend of two- and three-year-olds with oversize tennis rackets on local tennis courts, working out at neighborhood swimming pools several hours each week, or practicing gymnastics in local gyms. Little League is also part of the trend in sports which has children playing organized sports at ages when their parents were still in sandboxes trying to master a bucket and shovel. Parents seem to feel that to stay up with the perceived competition, starting their child on the road to professional athleticism at three or four is necessary and that
five may be too late.

Dr. Stewart: I think parents may also see college scholarships down the line for their emerging superstars. There is little doubt that college tuition continues to spiral upward, making higher education seem an unattainable goal for many of today’s children. To help with those future college tuition payments, parents may put a soccer ball (or a golf club) in front of their child soon after he takes his first step.

Dr. Lori: It’s important for your husband to remember that Nicholas already has a job—and that is to be a child. Nicholas should be an eager four year old who plays hard, is forever curious, and loves life. His early life should be as carefree as possible and his self concept should be developing along positive lines as both of you encourage and nurture him to be a little boy. There is plenty of time to be an adult.

Dr. Stewart: The number one reason why children want to quit organized sports is because it has ceased being fun. “Toddler burnout” occurs when play becomes work. Toddlers may express their distress in many ways— crankiness, anger, sleeping or eating difficulties, toilet training regression, even excessive clinginess or shyness. These all may be signs that something is not right in your child’s life.

Dr. Lori: Keep in mind that sportsrelated injuries may occur more easily in children. Their muscles and bones are still developing, and small injuries such as sprains and hyperextensions can sometimes result in chronic pain and arthritis later. One pediatric sports medicine specialist in New York reports that he has seen a drastic increase in “over-use” injuries in his pediatric patients. Ten years ago a mere 10% of his patients had these injuries, while today it has increased to 75%.

Dr. Stewart: Of course, we have all read about the alarming rate of childhood obesity in America and the low number of children engaging in regular physical activity. So, a certain amount of sports activity and practice is good for your child. 

Dr. Lori: But three- and four-year-olds can learn important skills just as well playing catch and kicking the ball with their peers and parents in the back yard as they can in formal team sports or extreme parent coaching. The important
element is to make sure the sport you choose stays fun for your child.

Lori Beasley, EdD is Asst. Vice President of Academic Affairs and Professor of Family Life Education at the University of Central Oklahoma. Stewart R. Beasley, PhD is a licensed psychologist who practices in Edmond and Oklahoma City and is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at the University of Oklahoma College of Medicine. Do you have a question about early childhood issues for the Beasleys? Email it to SRB@DRStewartBeasley.com.

Dear Drs. Beasley,
My husband was transferred to Oklahoma City and we arrived in June. We have a two-month-old boy who has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Since our child was born, we have been trying to move closer to Oklahoma to be near our families so I am looking for services available to children with special needs here in Oklahoma. Since I may have to work, are there child care centers that accepts special needs children? Do you have any suggestions, so when we arrive, I can get started with services that will help our child be as successful as possible?
    R.W.

Dr. Lori:  Welcome to Oklahoma! I am so glad it worked out for you to be close to family. Support from extended family and community services is vital for families with special needs children such as yours. The first place to find out about services for young children, in any state, is with the state’s Department of Education and Department of Health. Oklahoma’s early intervention program is called SoonerStart. This program is for infants and toddlers, birth to 36 months.

Dr. Stewart:  SoonerStart is available statewide and employs professionals from all specialty areas to provide developmental evaluation and services to infants and children. If a child has a 50% or more delay in one critical area or 25% or more delay in two critical areas, he is eligible for SoonerStart services. These may include but are not limited to utilization of the services of a developmental specialist, speech therapist, occupational therapists, physical therapist, or dietician. For more information go to ok.gov/health/Child_and_Family_Health/index.html.

Dr. Lori:  There are other support networks available for parents such as OASIS which is the Statewide Information and Referral for Oklahomans with Special Needs. Anyone needing help can call 800-426-2747 or visit oasis.ouhsc.edu. OASIS has affiliations with national and community agencies offering  services to families with disabilities. Another valuable OASIS resource is their Respite Resource Network and the Respite Voucher program that provides a break for caregivers of disabled persons. It’s very hard work taking care of a disabled child 24/7 and respite provides just what it sounds like: a break from the stress and worries of caretaking.

Dr. Stewart: Another national site that links to Oklahoma resources is nichcy.org, the National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities. This site serves as a central source of information for the nation and lists agencies, advocacy agencies and disability specific support and support groups for parents in each state.

Dr. Lori:  You mentioned that you might need child care for your son. A place to start for referrals in your area is the National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agency (naccrra.org), a national link to statewide referral systems for child care through community-based resource and referral services. Child Care Connection is located in Oklahoma City and after a short interview to determine your needs, specialists will assist you in finding licensed care in your area for your child.

Dr. Stewart:   As you can see, Oklahoma has multiple accessible resources for parents with disabled children to research and locate the services they need or to find support services to assist you. We hope you will continue to read MetroFamily Magazine which is a rich source of services available to Oklahomans. Where else can you locate a magazine that devotes an entire issue to special needs families? Again, welcome back to Oklahoma.   

Lori Beasley, EdD is Asst. Vice President of Academic Affairs and Professor of Family Life Education at the University of Central Oklahoma. Stewart R. Beasley, PhD is a licensed psychologist who practices in Edmond and Oklahoma City  and is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at the University of Oklahoma College of Medicine.

Do you have a question about early childhood issues for the Beasleys?  E-mail it to
SRB@DRStewartBeasley.com.