Teenagers. Say the word around parents with children between the ages of 13 and 18 and watch them cringe. Parents often find the simple days of childhood have been replaced by mood swings, hormones, and awkward growth spurts. A teenager is in the midst of finding his or her own identity and independence, and it is rarely an easy discovery for the teen or the parents. Many moms and dads wonder just how to lovingly parent a child who snaps back at the slightest hint of advice or isolates himself from the family.

Fortunately, there are many parenting resources available, including a new book, How to Really Parent Your Teenager, by Dr. Ross Campbell. Dr. Campbell is a clinical psychiatrist with over 30 years of experience in parent-child relationships. Metro Family Magazine (MFM) recently had the chance to talk with Dr. Campbell about his new book.

MFM: The first chapters in the book deal with anger and anger management, even before discussing love. Why does anger particularly affect teens and their parents?

RC: In the companion book, How to Really Parent Your Child, I start out talking about loving the child, because you have to love the child before you can train him on anger management. But here we are talking about teenagers, and parents have already shown their love in certain ways for 15 or 16 years. At that point, the parents must teach their child good character, and one of the most important parts of a person’s character is how they handle anger.

Normal teenagers are anti-authority and passive-aggressive, which means they often handle their anger in such a way that it will upset the authority figure—Mom and Dad. The parent has to train that teenager how to handle their anger maturely. As you read in the book, the parent first has to be an example to the child and must learn to handle their own anger correctly.

MFM: In your book, you describe the difference between the expression of anger and the cause of anger. Why should parents be aware of those differences?

RC: There are a jillion causes of anger, but what I try to do is describe how the child expresses their anger. The main principle of anger management is to look past the symptoms and address the cause. The final goal is to learn to deal with anger verbally and pleasantly. At the very beginning, when the child is young, they normally begin to express anger incorrectly—verbally and very unpleasantly. As they grow older, they have greater capacity for logical thinking and can express anger in different ways, such as holding to the primary complaint or focusing anger on a source. With the parents’ guidance, these children can begin to express their anger in a more mature way, regardless of the cause.

MFM: Moving on to the chapters addressing love, you state that adults learn verbally but children learn behaviorally. What implications does this have for the parents of teenagers?

RC: Well, sometimes parents forget their teenage children are still children. They are not mature at all. They are just like little kids when it comes to receiving love. You can verbally tell a teenager, “I love you,” but that goes right over his or her head because they don’t understand what the word love means. We use the word to say “I love steak, I love ketchup, I love you” so the child wonders if you feel the same way about them as you do about steak.

To transfer love from our heart to the heart of a child or teenager, it has to be done behaviorally, on their terms. It is easy to do when the child is small, just give the child loving physical or eye contact and their emotional tank is full. As the child gets older, it gets harder and harder to keep that emotional tank filled. When the child is an adolescent, he or she naturally and normally develops passive-aggressive anger. It is awful hard to have loving, focused attention with a kid who doesn’t even want to be in the same room as you. But they still need to have that emotional tank filled all the time. Parents don’t realize that. They’ll say, “Oh, you don’t want to be around me? Fine, I’ll go in the other room!” What a tragic statement that is. That section of the book is how to keep that emotional tank filled, behaviorally, on their terms. It’s not easy—it’s challenging, but it’s worth it.

MFM: How much freedom should a teenager be given while the parent still maintains some protection over their child?

RC: Before they get to be teenagers, somewhere around 11 or 12, the parent should put down every possible mechanism of control without being cruel. Then, over time they should give that teenager privileges based on his or her behavior. You should talk to the teenager and give an explicit explanation to that kid to let them know what you are doing. Parents might say, “We want you out of this house and independent even more than you do. So as you show us you deserve more privileges and can handle yourself, you will get more freedoms, and the sooner the better.” From that point on, if the teenage child deserves more privileges, then he or she should get them. They will catch on mighty quick, and gradually, you give them more privileges.

MFM: The last chapter in the book is titled “Gifts to the Future” and speaks to leaving a legacy. What do you hope your legacy with your children will be?

RC: I hope to have really loved my kids and have done everything I could for them, in an appropriate way. The greatest thrill of my life was when my children became Christians. But the second greatest thrill was seeing each of them come through the passive/aggressive stage [of adolescence] and learn how to handle conflict maturely.

Ben Davis is a freelance writer from Oklahoma City who loves writing, fried okra, and people, in that order.