by Phyllis VanHemert, M.Ed

As parents and kids start thinking about going back to school, some families are worried about how to avoid last year’s bully. Parents who educate themselves and their children about the dynamics of bullying will manage these difficult relationships more successfully.

Four Facts about Bullying
1. Bullying is a learned behavior. It is not normal behavior.
2. Bullies bully out of contempt for the target, not anger.
3. Kids who are bullied over time with no helpful intervention from peers or adults can shut down emotionally, withdraw from life, lash out with violence, and, at worst, commit suicide.
4. Bullying can take the form of verbal, physical, and relational abuse.

What Can You Say and Do if Your Child is Being Bullied?
“I believe you. I am here for you. You are not alone in trying to solve this problem.” Explore what your child can do: stand up assertively, steer clear of dangerous situations, and stand strong with friends. Help your child to think constructively. Listen to your child to determine whether or not you need to step in at this point.

Report the bullying to school personnel. Give written facts including dates, times, kids involved, specifics of the incident, and the impact this has had on your child. Ask for a plan of action that will include protection for your child. Request a later date to review the plan. Be clear and courteous. Most school officials have a heightened desire to end all intimidation in their schools.

How to Strengthen Kids So They Don’t Become Targets
• Children become confident when they feel competent. Parents facilitate this growth by teaching, or enlisting others to teach, kids various skills: to read widely, cook, design, organize, develop talents, explore interests, take lessons, etc.

• Raise children to value friendship. Parents who model and teach how to connect with others and how to nurture a friend encourage kids to make healthy connections with peers.

• Value the power of a group. Parents should feel good about their kids being involved with a group of like-minded children. They indirectly provide a “hedge” against bullies. Parents can affect the health of the group by planning fun, healthy activities and participating with them.

• Teach kids to respect the limits of others, to defend the limits they have set for themselves, and to look at the world with a caring eye. We can all stand up to bullies when we get stronger from the inside out.

Phyllis VanHemert, M.Ed., Licensed Professional Counselor, has provided counseling for children and adults for over 15 years. Her areas of interest include parent-child conflicts, home and school behavior adjustment, and adults’ and women’s groups. She is a frequent speaker and teacher for schools, community, and church groups. She can be reached at the Offices of Dr. Paul Tobin and Ann Benjamin in Edmond, OK,  405-340-4321.