What kind of mother are you? Is there a winner in the battle between moms who work and moms who stay home? When it comes to motherhood, we’ve heard all the arguments from both camps. But, how do you choose what’s right for you? And is choosing really necessary? Most moms come to a point where they have to make a decision about working or not, and moms on both sides of this issue feel strongly about their choices and the benefits and impacts their decisions have for their families.

Writer Gwendolen Gross faced the working versus staying home issue shortly after her first child was born. “I didn’t realize I would be asked to join one team or the other,” she says about motherhood. “Other mothers asked me, almost immediately, was I going back to work?” Seeing the judgment that came from both sides of the argument led Gwendolen to realize she didn’t want to judge either side. “I felt [the judgment] added a power drain to women’s already overburdened lives.” So she decided to do something about it.

“Before kids I had a fine variety of professions—I worked at a science museum as a live animal and physical science demonstrator, I sang with the San Diego Opera, I worked in publishing,” said Gwendolen. After such a varied professional path, the seemingly limited choices of motherhood took Gwendolen by surprise.

Gwendolen chose both sides. Her novel, The Other Mother, looks at the differences and similarities between working and stay-at-home moms. “I wanted to write from both sides of the fence,” said Gwendolen. The story is told from the viewpoints of two moms. Thea (the stay-at-home mom) and Amanda (the working mom) take turns narrating the book, offering glimpses into the thoughts and actions of both camps.

“Thea and Amanda are indeed both parts of me as a mom—and not me at all,” said Gwendolen. Thea and Amanda seem to dance around one another, quick to judge and mistrust one another, often saying more or reading more into what is left unsaid in their interactions than in the actual words exchanged. “I feel women are often isolated in their motherhood, unnecessarily,” said Gwendolen. “We need friends. We need to start trusting and stop judging, even if we have different approaches to raising our children and living our lives.”

Today, Gwendolen straddles the fence between working and staying home. “There are days I don’t have enough time to work and days that I don’t have enough patience because I’m thinking [only] about my work.” Gwendolen says she enjoys “the pacing of momming/teaching/writing.”

In the end, the women in Gwendolen’s novel are able to see that their judgments were too quick and too harsh. The author’s ability to see both sides of the mom issue affords us all a glimpse into the worlds of these moms—moms who appear so different, but at their core have so much in common. Can’t we all identify with that?

MetroFamily Assistant Editor Mari M. Farthing, originally from Wisconsin, lives in Oklahoma City with her husband and two children. Being a mommy is her full-time job and writing maintains her sanity.

What Local Moms Say About the Work/Stay-at-Home Debate

I believe moms should be able to make up their own minds about staying home or working without feeling guilty. However, I also wish that these decisions could be made without the financial aspect (we have to have two incomes). I always wanted to be a mommy. I am now a homeschooling, work-at-home mommy who gets to do all that I ever wanted and more. And if you think you want to but can’t – if I can you can!

— M.K., Oklahoma City mother of one

Parenting is a full-time job, regardless of whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a mom who works outside the home. Having done both, I feel each family has to decide what is best for their situation, because every family is unique. I worked outside the home when it was necessary financially, then ran a home-based business in order to stay home with my children, and I currently homeschool my children full-time. All three situations have had benefits and pitfalls, but I am grateful to have had these experiences and I believe that my children have learned and benefited from them as well. Being a mother is a difficult job—the toughest anyone could do—and we as mothers need to support and encourage each other in the raising of the next generation. A mother who works outside the home is no less a mom, just as a stay-at-home mom is no less a successful woman.
— T. W., Edmond mother of two

This may sound horrible but I wish someone would have really drilled it in me to be selfish for a bit longer. Once you have children, being selfish is not an option.”
— M. D., Oklahoma City mother of two

I feel it is a great honor to be here for my kids all the time. If they are sick or have appointments, I am here. If they want a pajama day, we can do it. But, on the flip side…I have given up a lot of my life to be here for them, or put it on hold. I think it is really important to enjoy being at home. It is not for everyone and it takes a lot out of you. Finding a good group of friends or a support group is a must.
— R. J., Moore mother of two

I chose to stay home because I wanted to be the one constant in their life. As a military family we move around quite a bit and daddy deploys, so I wanted to give our boys a sense of stability and support with every move we make. I also wanted them to know I would be there for every boo boo, every milestone, every word spoken, every victory, every loss, for everything. People used to tell me when I was pregnant with my first son, that the “time goes by so quickly and the next thing you know they are getting married and moving away so cherish the time you have with them when they are small.” In just five years of being a mom, I truly do appreciate that advice and have offered it to first-time moms too.
— C. K., Oklahoma City mother of two

I am a working mother but I have been blessed with a job that is flexible. I can still participate in school activities and I can volunteer during the day or have lunch with my child. I think that makes a big difference in whether a working mother is happy with her career or not. I know not everyone has this option, but all parents should consider how their work schedule is going to affect the amount of time they are able to spend with their children.
— C. J., Oklahoma City mother of one

I think each woman has to know her own will power to be a stay-at-home mom. It takes a lot of self-discipline to keep your spirits up when you know your schedule is so flexible. I stayed at home for a few years and got less done than when I was a working mom. I think no matter what, as a mom our first priority is our children— whether we work to support them or stay in the home to support them.
— M. G., Oklahoma City mother of four