Spouse 1: “I’ve had enough.”
Spouse 2: “I’m sick of this.”
Spouse 1: “I’m finished.”
Spouse 2: “I’m out of here.”
Spouse 1 and 2: “But our children still need us both!”
The decision to divorce is a complex and painful
one for all who face marital crisis. Typically, misunderstanding, hurt,
and anger have been part of the couple dynamics for a long time before
the decision is made. When the marriage involves children, the
relationship is never really over, but the roles must change.
Form a Parenting Partnership
I
hope you know some “unique” couples. You know who I’m talking about.
Those divorced spouses who still seem to like each other as friends.
People often wonder why they got divorced in the first place because
they appear to get along so well. In truth, they have worked hard at
developing a parenting partnership for the sake of their children. It
is not something that happens overnight and certainly not at the
beginning of the divorce process. It involves continued effort and
commitment throughout the developmental stages of their children’s
lives. Even if you had a miserable marriage, you need not be stuck with
a horrible divorce relationship.
Perhaps you think, “We never communicated well in
the marriage, why would we start doing any better now?” If so, your
motivation for communication needs to shift. The children who fare best
in the long term, post-divorce, are those with two parents who
cooperate and maintain a supportive relationship. Even if you did not
choose the divorce, you can choose to increase the odds that your
children will have a positive outcome.
Divorced parents are usually put to the test when
communicating about visitation, schedules, money, medical issues,
holidays, friends, grades, and kid problems—in other words, life. Those
“delightfully different” couples who cannot live together but seem to
get along post-divorce have spent time and effort developing rules and
honing their communication skills.
Ground Rules to Developing a Parenting Partnership
Create a vision and stay focused.
Foster a mindset that your shared children need a healthy relationship
with each of you into their adulthood. To preserve that ideal, you will
have to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent or rigidly adhering to a
schedule just in order to “win.”
Set boundaries.
Messages should be direct between parents. If you are having difficulty
reaching an agreement about an issue, give yourselves permission to
think it through when you can both cool off. Most co-parenting
decisions are about planning. Can you agree on a regular time to
communicate with each other? Can you decide on the optimal method of
communicating? (In person at a neutral place, by phone, by fax, by
e-mail?)
Be respectful.
Treat your parenting partner politely, as you would a colleague or a
co-worker. Be thoughtful about the language you use in discussing
difficult topics regarding your children. Avoid labeling the other
parent and your children.
Restrain yourself.
Hold onto your anger, hurt, and frustration. It has no place in front
of your ex-spouse or your children. Develop a separate support network
of friends, family, and/or a counselor/minister that gives you a safe
opportunity to vent without having to manage the after effects! This
network should discourage you from retaliating or undermining the
co-parenting framework.
Cooperative Communication 101
Preparation.
Pre-plan your words before making contact with the other parent.
Anticipate the trouble spots when possible and prepare yourself for
those points. In some partnerships, it is useful to send ahead an
agenda to keep the communication on topic and concise.
Organization.
Stick with the original purpose of the communication. If you need to
discuss car pool schedules, don’t try to slip in a shot about
two-year-old unpaid medical bills.
Attention.
Active listening requires intense concentration. This cannot be
achieved while you are simultaneously planning your comeback line.
Acceptance.
Let’s face it; you have less influence over your ex-spouse’s habits now
than you did when you lived together. There are many ways to raise
emotionally healthy children—and your ex-spouse will likely have a
different way. Invest your energy on managing your own rules, rituals,
and customs at your house.
Clarification.
At the close of your conversation, try to summarize the main points.
Strive to settle any miscommunications before you end the conversation.
A Party of One?
We
understand that you might feel stressed about your ex-spouses ability
to “play by the rules.” Be patient. It will always be in your
children’s interest that you behave well. Never give up hope that you
will be able to negotiate and cooperate. Persist in modeling
appropriate, polite, and respectful behavior towards your co-parent.
At the very least, your attitude will teach your
children that it is important to try to get along with others. At the
very best, wouldn’t it be wonderful to be unique like some couples who
participate together, or separately, but cordially, in the many
milestones of their children’s lives—where the children aren’t filled
with dread but are able to focus on their own special moment? We
recognize that it is continual effort, and incredibly hard work, but we
know your children will thank you for it in the long run.
Ann Benjamin, M.Ed., and Lisa L. Marotta, Ph.D.,
are counselors who enjoy encouraging families to make healthy life
choices every day. The Offices of Paul Tobin, Ph.D., and Ann Benjamin,
M.Ed., in Edmond. This particular article they dedicate to their friend
and colleague, Susan Lasuzzo-Papa.