Most adults know that the road of life is marked with potholes, steep hills, and sometimes, major detours. When faced with the same dilemma, some people forge ahead as if nothing is wrong, while others freeze as though presented with an insurmountable roadblock that will forever alter the course of their lives. What accounts for such different approaches? Resilience and optimism.

Resilience and optimism give us the courage to face the challenges life throws us. By equipping our children with resilience at an early age, we can better prepare them for the road ahead.

Flexibility is Key

Barbara Wright, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Norman, says one of the hallmarks of resilient children is flexibility. “They are children who can bounce back from failures, obstacles, and roadblocks,” she said.

While every parent wishes their child would get the lead role, be the quarterback, or ace the SAT test, such lofty goals are not always realized. How we parents respond to our child’s setbacks can play a role in how he or she sees them. If we overreact and view obstacles as failures, we hamper our child’s development of resilience.

Instead, Wright encourages parents to help children recognize the areas in which they excel, which may make it easier to cope with the areas that are more challenging. “As adults, if we are bad at something, we don’t have to do it,” she said. But children are not given that option. Participation in physical education and academics are required in every school. Rather than reinforcing the point that the activity is necessary, parents can encourage children to view this time in their lives as a smorgasbord—they have the opportunity to try out everything.

 
Encourage a Good Risk
It’s helpful for parents to share their own stumbling blocks with their children, Wright said. It may make it easier for your child to accept being passed over for the basketball team if he knows you could never dribble either. But trying out for the team should never be discouraged. The motivation to take a chance and risk failure is a key component of building the trait of resiliency.
 
Wright said that the Japanese culture discourages people from taking risks because if a person tries something and does not do well, it brings shame upon their entire family. As a result, nearly two-thirds of the Japanese population classifies themselves as shy and unwilling to take risks. Researchers have correlated this reluctance to take risks with the higher-than-average suicide rate in Japan.

According to Wright, the best way to encourage children to take reasonable risks is to model that behavior. If a child sees Mom or Dad trying something new, whether it’s bowling or broccoli, he is more likely to try new things.

 
Too Much, Too Soon
Wright said another area where parents can help foster resilience is to avoid exposing children to frightening things before they have the cognitive ability to understand them.

“We probably expose kids to too much to soon,” she said. One example is television news. Adults view reports about tragic situations like the Virginia Tech shootings and may be deeply affected. But we have the ability to put the event into perspective and realize that from a statistical standpoint, it is not likely to happen to us.

Wright has learned from talking with children that many have a strong fear of being kidnapped. “When they are preschoolers, we begin putting that fear into them,” she said. From a young age we caution our children not to talk with strangers and not to leave our sides. “If we don’t help them make the transition as they grow, they can carry an unrealistic sense that something bad is going to happen
to them.”
 
The Glass Is Half Full
Optimism can also build a sense of resiliency in children. Wright said studies have revealed a strong genetic predisposition to being optimistic. “However,” she said, “children can be taught to weigh the more positive aspects of something.”

There are often many different ways to look at the same situation. But the reverse can also be true. “No matter what happens, some people are negative,” Wright said. “If children see that a lot, they will begin to interpret things in a negative way too.” If parents can help their children to see the glass as half full, their approach to life can become more optimistic.

 
Read More
Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope and Optimism in Your Child by Robert Brooks, Ph.D. and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
Nurturing Resilience in Our Children by Robert Brooks, Ph.D.
Raising A Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child Resolve Everyday Conflicts by Myrna Shure.

 

Gayleen Rabakukk is a freelance writer who spends her time in Edmond and Oklahoma City keeping up with her teenage and preschool daughters. She holds a BA in journalism from the University of Central Oklahoma and is a regular contributor to MetroFamily Magazine.