By Phyllis VanHemert

Life with teens can be harmonious if parents are open to reevaluating family needs as kids get older. Providing structure (what parents want and kids need) with flexibility (what kids want and parents need) requires frequent assessment. Below are some basic requirements and examples of how to create a harmonious teen/family relationship.

Plan a Solid, Flexible Infrastructure
Family life is easier with an underlying structure to systematically make meals and take care of clothes, household chores, etc. Everyone feels calmer when basic needs are met on a predictable schedule.

Teen: “My parents don’t do laundry during the week, and if I want to wear something that’s dirty, I have to wash it myself—before 9pm—because one of my parents’ rules is to ‘get the house calm’ before bedtime.”

Plan Flexible Schedules and Routines
Just when we parents have figured out a good system to keep the family humming, teens feel the need to “individuate” and want to create schedules of their own. Combine this desire with teens’ love of spontaneity, and even the most organized families can feel a little off balance. Wise parents accept the challenge and modify the family system. This means parents don’t abandon their wisdom but make room for teens to share some of the control. After all, the goal is to raise a young adult who can make good decisions.

Teen: “All the kids at my house have to be in their rooms by 9:30pm on school nights unless my Dad and I are working on a project. We can stay up late on Fridays.”

Parent. We see the evening as a time to support, engage, help, and supervise as the kids do homework, go to lessons, organize for the next day, and visit with us (a little) and with their friends. If we abdicated our role as parents in the evening, we’d miss the only part of the day we really have to influence our kids.”

Create a Sense of Belonging and Approval
Families who plan trips, do charity projects, have special birthday rituals, and learn new things together, create connections that last a lifetime.

Teen: “One of my best memories is the summer we taught Mom to do a cannonball on vacation. Another good time was when we took a turkey to a needy family.”

Teach and Provide Stimulation for Learning
Families need exposure to events, books, movies, trips, and lessons, as well as, physical, mental, and spiritual goals that create opportunities for learning.

Teen: “I couldn’t believe my Dad made us listen to German tapes before our exchange student came. But when she got homesick, she told us that our trying to speak German got her through it. My dad always thinks of the weird stuff that comes in handy.”

When Harmony is Off-Key
Family friction will occur and, as parents, our first action should be to stabilize the situation. If kids are wound up emotionally and their reasoning is illogical, we must steady the boat without getting loud, intense, or angry in response to the stress.

Parents need to prioritize the situation and not postpone the opportunity for demonstrating how to get back on track. It’s helpful to use a calm voice, avoid lecturing, empathize with the teen’s poor choice in behavior, and assure that things can be set right again. Customize this intervention to fit your family and your child. Some teens respond to nonverbal communication (notes) from parents.

We parents need to retain ultimate control (when teens are having a hard time controlling life themselves) by laying out a plan of recovery after the situation is stable. Teens need parents to stay close until they are back on track. It’s like running along beside your child when they had training wheels on their bicycles—wobbly at first, but once the child understands the concept, they aren’t afraid to do it alone.

Family harmony can include some real dissonance at times. But overall, it’s a ride with your kids that’s too meaningful to miss!

The Basics of Harmony
• Structure with flexibility creates harmony at home with teens.
• Parents have to create a solid infrastructure so needs are met efficiently.
• Parents have to plan schedules ahead of time, expecting to change them frequently.
• Parents are responsible for creating a sense of belonging and approval in the family.
• Parents are the main teachers who provide stimulation for learning.
• Life with teens is challenging, but it can be fun and fruitful if parents make room for teens to share some of the control.

Phyllis VanHemert, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice with the Offices of Paul Tobin and Ann Benjamin in Edmond. She provides counseling to children, families, adults, and couples and is a frequent speaker on family issues. Mrs. VanHemert offers an educational group for women seeking new skills to better manage adult life. Phyllis and her husband, Jim, are parents of married children.