Dear Drs. Beasley:
We are embarrassed. We have always lived beyond our means. However, finances have been extremely tight for several months and Christmas was especially difficult this year. We have three children, ages 8 months, 2 ½, and 4. My husband and I are determined to live without debt and are sticking to a tight budget, but we both worry about the negative effects that our austere new lifestyle might have on our children. What are your thoughts?
Michael and Kitt

Dr. Stewart: Negative effects—what negative effects? I think the chances are greater that your children will benefit from seeing their parents being responsible and living reasonably. More parents should take their financial responsibilities as seriously as you two.

Dr. Lori: I agree. You are looking at short-term pain but long-term gain. Our entire country is going through a
financial identity crisis that has been coming for a long time. As long as your children have food, medicine, shelter,
love, and trust, they will be fine—if you are. Children look to their parents to gauge their level of safety and security. As long as the two of you maintain your strong relationship and commitment to your financial goals, your family will
remain strong and resilient.

Dr. Stewart: Resiliency is a relevant term here. Imagine your family as a rubber band stretched to its limits, which is how you have been living for the past several months. But, when relaxed, a rubber band will take its original shape. Your family is in the process of relaxing and regaining its original shape. Wealth is no longer just a financial term; it’s taking on new emotional and spiritual meaning. Security isn’t just an abstract concept; it’s a family concept. Families like yours who spend time together, talk together, play together, and pray together are more resilient and better prepared to overcome the small speed bumps of life.

Dr. Lori: We also need to address your embarrassment. It’s always a little embarrassing to operate outside the norms of society—and you certainly are. But you have more reason to be proud rather than embarrassed. Don’t waste time looking over your shoulder at the past; instead, focus on your future. You may need to downsize your lifestyle to meet your financial goals, but you and your children can grow strong together. Fewer fast food meals mean more opportunities for picnics in the living room or wiener roasts in front of the fireplace. Fewer car trips mean more frequent walks in your neighborhood or at the local school track. Get creative, get enthusiastic, and stay committed.

Dr. Stewart: Be aware of your stress levels as you modify your lifestyle. Change is almost always stressful, and when couples become stressed, they often take their stress out on each other. Even the strongest marriage can be tested by financial stresses. Several times each week, sit down to discuss how you both feel. Lori and I call this touching base, and it should be a part of the maintenance of your marriage. Even if you don’t have anything in particular to talk about, spend the time together anyway. You will eventually feel more relaxed knowing you have this time to connect.

Dr. Lori: A lean Christmas was probably harder on you than on your children. They probably didn’t feel deprived at all, particularly the younger ones. We hope you spent some family time preparing homemade gifts for others. Homemade gifts show children the pride of accomplishment as well as the joy of giving. Continue the tradition for friends’ and relatives’ birthdays, anniversary, etc.

Dr. Stewart: We think you and your family are off to a great start for 2009 and commend you for your insight and self-discipline. Those are both strong legacies to leave to your children. Your children and their children will be the real winners.

Lori Beasley, EdD is Asst. Vice President of Academic Affairs and Professor of Family Life Education at the University of Central Oklahoma. Stewart R. Beasley, PhD is a licensed psychologist who practices in Edmond and Oklahoma City and is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at the University of Oklahoma
College of Medicine.

Do you have a question about early childhood issues for the Beasleys? E-mail it to SRB@DRStewartBeasley.com.