All babies go through a normal period of separation anxiety sometime between 8-14 months. Separation can be as simple as mom or dad leaving the room or as complicated as hiring a sitter to watch the baby while parents take a much-needed break.

The child’s anxious response is one of distress—crying, clinging and calling out. In most cases, the child can be distracted or comforted and is ready to start over from a small separation. But what about the parents? Separation can be difficult for them, too. Screaming, pleading, and a miserable meltdown are the last images the parent has of their precious child until they return. This also makes separation an issue for parents. Research has confirmed that the separation anxiety of the parents can influence the anxiety of the child. Specific strategies like prolonged goodbyes or rushing back to soothe the child, only serve to ramp up the volume on their protest. Parents sometimes worry that leaving isn’t worth it; think again.

The reality is, the maturing process is full of separations: day care, Mother’s Day Out programs, preschool, Kindergarten, middle school, high school. Consider that kids separate to go to bed, camp, and sleepovers. At some
point, friends will move, teenage couples break up, beloved relatives and pets die—all separations in various forms.
Parents with a vision can effectively teach their child to handle the stress of goodbye as an important life tool. The goal for children is to individuate—in other words, become their own person.

Children benefit from positive trusting relationships with non-family members. This requires practice, practice and more practice to build skills and confidence. Parents are wise to seek out safe, appropriate opportunities for children to strut their stuff away from them. A small percentage of all children have separation anxiety disorder, which disrupts the process of individuation and affects the whole family. Fortunately, this problem responds well to early intervention.

If a child is long past the age of developmentally-appropriate anxiety, it may be hard for parents to choose practice opportunities. In these cases, consultation with a mental health professional would be helpful. For most children, however, parents can effectively sequence activities that promote successful separation.

Parent response is important, whether preparing for the first day of kindergarten, camp or college. A positive attitude is key as well as recruiting the child’s participation in getting ready for the journey. Examples would be to drive by and play on the school playground during summer,
check out a website to look at the cool stuff they can try at camp, help arrange an overnight visit for college. The
language of letting go is to acknowledge the child’s fears while setting an optimistic tone.

Keep your own anxiety at bay; you can tell your best friend about how it will break your heart to let them go, but not your child. Take comfort in knowing that every time you prepare your child for a necessary separation whether as a baby or as they head to their first overnight camp, you are building a foundation that will help them for life.

Dr. Lisa Marotta is a health service psychologist with the Counseling and Consulting Offices at Stonebridge in Edmond (ccoffi ces.com). Dr. Marotta and her husband are familiar with the process of letting go: they launched their first born to college and prepared their ninth grader for an orchestra trip away from home this year.