At bedtime on your baby’s first day home from the hospital, do you:
a) put the baby on his back in the crib and pray he doesn’t cry?
b) rock him until he falls asleep, then move him to the crib?
c) let him share your bed?
A growing number of moms and dads are choosing the last option, one of the eight ideals of “attachment parenting.”
Below, Joncia Johnson, host of the Oklahoma City Attachment Parenting Support Group explains those ideals and Dr. Deborah Shropshire, a pediatrician with OU Children’s Physicians, comments on the each aspect.
Johnson described attachment parenting as a “buffet” where no one who attends the meetings is pressured to do any of these things; they simply discuss child-rearing techniques in a supportive environment.
Some Aspects of Attachment Parenting and a Medical View on Each
Preparation for Childbirth
Some attachment parenting advocates encourage alert, active participation in childbirth. Johnson, a doula who gave birth at home, says many attachment parenting advocates participate in home birthing, water birthing, or other alternative birthing methods.
Pediatrician Dr. Shropshire said birthing options are a personal preference. “Medically speaking, the hospital is best, because if something goes wrong, you can’t fix it at home,” Shropshire said. She admits that seeing the extreme cases, at Children’s Hospital, where things have gone wrong, has biased her opinion.
Emotional Responsiveness
Understanding and responding sensitively to your infant’s emotional needs is the cornerstone of attachment parenting. A strong connection with your child means spending enjoyable time interacting, not just tending to physical needs.
“We encourage parents to believe in your baby’s crying,” Johnson said. In African cultures, many babies never cry more than 45 seconds at a time, but in America, a lot of parenting styles teach you not to respond—to let the baby “cry it out.” Johnson believes this lowers the baby’s level of expectation, teaching that no one will respond to the crying.
Shropshire said most bonding between parents and children happens when you are talking and playing. She encourages her patients to talk to their babies and hold them close. “Well-child checks are a great time for us to see how the parents are getting along with the baby and we can offer suggestions to stimulate learning and bonding.”
Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding provides babies with optimum nutrition and physical contact. The world average for breastfeeding is 4.2 years, but in the United States, it’s only about six weeks, Johnson said. “I’m closer to Lyric (her two-year-old daughter) because we have that relationship,” she added.
Shropshire strongly endorses breastfeeding. In addition to relationship building, babies tolerate breast milk better than formula, it strengthens the baby’s immune system, and research suggests babies breastfed at least six months have higher I.Q.s than their formula-fed counterparts.
“Breastfed babies are less colicky than formula babies,” Shropshire said. “Colic can put a lot of stress on a family that could be avoided if the baby was breastfed instead.”
Baby Wearing
Using cloth carriers to keep the baby close provides physical contact, security, stimulation and movement—all promoting optimal brain development. Carried babies cry less. “We’re the only culture that uses other gadgets to take care of our children,” Johnson said.
Shropshire said she didn’t have a strong opinion about whether or not baby wearing improves bonding. She did caution that moms need to be careful about back problems stemming from carrying a heavy child.
Sharing Sleep
Attachment parenting advocates keeping baby in close proximity in a safe sleeping environment. According to attachment parenting proponents, recent research indicates this provides better quality of sleep for the mother and a reduced risk of SIDS for babies. “American culture has gotten away from co-sleeping,” Johnson said. “And Western culture is the only one that doesn’t do that.”
Some attachment parenting families practice it, some don’t. Like everything else involved with parenting, Johnson said it is a matter of personal preference.
“The American Academy of Pediatrics does not have a specific policy on co-sleeping,” Shropshire said. But she advises her patients who are interested in co-sleeping to make sure it is safe for the baby, meaning no one in the bed is impaired by drugs, alcohol, or smoking, and that there is no loose bedding or extra pillows that could smother the child. In a co-sleeping situation, both the mother and the infant sleep a little lighter, Shropshire said. But she cautioned that other people in the bed may not be as sensitive to the baby and that can cause danger. Older children or dads may sleep soundly and not realize they’ve rolled onto the baby. She said she’d seen two cases of co-sleeping infant death and both times someone other than the mother smothered the baby.
“Cigarette smoking in bed with the baby is also very bad,” Shropshire said. “There is a strong correlation with smoking and SIDS deaths.” She said there is no evidence that co-sleeping prevents SIDS.
Avoid Frequent or Prolonged Separations
Babies need the physical presence of a loving, responsive parent. Daily care and loving interactions form strong parent-child attachments and frequent or prolonged separations can interfere with those attachments. Attachment parenting promotes keeping separations to a minimum when your pre-verbal baby is young.
Shropshire said it is good for a baby to be around consistent caregivers, but in situations where both parents must work, it isn’t always practical. “Try to find a daycare where they have the same person in the same room every day.” She said all babies have separation anxiety to some degree around nine to 12 months of age. “It’s not harmful, it is a normal phase of development.” She said the key is giving your child the confidence that mom will return.
Use Positive Discipline
Positive, non-violent discipline and loving guidance promote the development of self-control and empathy toward others. Johnson said when you are in tune with your children and have a good relationship, it is easier to redirect them. “But Lyric understands that we are the parents and she is the child,” she said. “We’ve set boundaries and consequences.”
Shropshire recommends the distraction discipline for children under two. For those over two, time out is best. She is not an advocate of spanking, but knows some parents spank. “It is legal, but I tell them they should not be leaving bruises on their kids. That’s child abuse and it is not legal.”
Maintain Balance in Your Family Life
Remember to take care of yourself. “It’s important to remind the mom that she doesn’t have to do everything,” Johnson said.
Shropshire recommends planning at least one day once a month to do something for yourself, away from the children. “If you don’t plan it, you won’t find the time.”
Johnson said the best part of attachment parenting is the family time together. “I love watching my husband interact with Lyric…and seeing how well-behaved and how smart Lyric is,” she said. “I think the parenting has made her who she is and it has helped me grow as a person.”
Gayleen Langthorn is a mother of two and a freelance writer in Oklahoma City. She holds a BA in journalism from the University of Central Oklahoma and her work recently appeared in the Houston Chronicle.